Local police departments provided the following reports. In all incidents where an arrest occurred, a charge is merely an accusation and not evidence of guilt.

Police Describe Suspect as Total Jerkface

Someone stole a disability placard from a car while it was parked in Northbrook.

Sounds like the Worst Recipe Ever

Police charged a 38-year-old woman with shoplifting at a Northfield grocery store. Employees allegedly watched her move through the aisles putting various items in her purse — salsa, cookies, candy, cat food, magazines, and lunch meat — and leave the store without paying.

Pills are a drag

A man wearing woman’s clothing pulled a gun on a Wilmette pharmacist and stole 2,955 pills of hydrocodone, putting it down the front of his shirt or dress and left the store. The loss is estimated at $1,860. He was wearing a white cap, shin-length skirt, three-quarters length jacket, gloves and sunglasses and had a black bandana pulled over his nose.

Unseasonable Theft

A mink coat worth $9,000 was stolen from a Northbrook home while the owner was having a sale attended by several dozen people.

Employee's retort of 'I'm rubber, you're glue...' deemed apt

Police responded to a report of a man at Rivers Casino in Des Plaines who was arguing with the bar manager because the casino had stopped serving liquor for the morning.

When casino personnel asked the man to leave the casino, according to the report, he responded by getting very close to the employee’s face and yelling. He allegedly placed his open hands on the employee’s chest and screamed, according to the report, “You never get laid!”