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Arts & Entertainment

Deathly Dull: 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1'

First half of the Twilight finale is laughably silly, poorly written and ultimately boring.

As a five-part metaphor for abstinence, the Twilight movie saga is an interminable bore for everyone except tweens and their mothers. Though different directors have been brought on to helm each chapter, they all blur into one another. It’s as if every filmmaker’s artistic conviction shrivels up and dies in the face of Stephenie Meyer’s undeliverable dialogue and meandering plot lines.

Of course, it’s easy to bash Twilight without attempting to understand the worldwide appeal of its source material. Meyer is gifted at churning out effortless page-turners, and is in tune with the all-consuming power of first lust in the vulnerable heart of an adolescent. Yet as a storyteller, Meyer lacks focus. Too much of her work reads like filler strung between contrived conflicts that lead to an unsatisfactory payoff. Her fourth and final “Twilight” book, “Breaking Dawn,” garnered controversy among fans and was widely regarded as a disappointment.

Nevertheless, Summit Entertainment has followed in the formula of the Potter franchise by breaking its final Twilight film into two parts, thus guaranteeing multiple broken box office records. But will fans leave satisfied? There have already been rumored reports of audience members fainting at local screenings of Breaking Dawn - Part 1, which may speak more to the emotional investment of the moviegoers than the level of onscreen intensity. Part 1 is not shocking or provocative. It’s just plain awful.

Let’s start with Bella Swan, the most miserably weak heroine in modern literary history. Here’s a young woman with no goals of her own, beyond living for eternity with her pasty-faced beau, Edward. The fact he’s a vampire doesn’t dissuade her obsession. She’d rather ignore life’s opportunities in favor of becoming a member of the undead. When Edward isn’t around, she contemplates suicide. When he is, she’s ready to die in order to bear his vampire baby. I’d imagine if Edward revealed he was already married to four other Bellas, she wouldn’t mind that either.

The sole saving grace of the entire franchise has been the performance by Kristen Stewart, who brings a great deal of humanity to her insufferable character, yet she often appears to be emoting on her own. That’s because her co-star, Robert Pattinson, has been required to repeatedly play the same glum notes, while Taylor Lautner (as Edward’s frequently shirtless competition) flexes everything but his acting muscles. Without his endless hours at the gym, Lautner wouldn’t have a prayer of sustaining a serious film career. His vacant expressions and flat delivery cause nearly every one of his lines to garner an unintentional guffaw.

To be fair, the screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg doesn’t do the actors any favors. To call the dialogue stilted would be a profound understatement. Just take this exchange between Edward and Bella on the morning following their violently passionate honeymoon night, which has garnered much of the hype but barely registers in the final cut. Edward says, “Last night was the best night of my existence,” to which Bella waits a beat before curtly replying, “You’re the best.”  That dispassionate response gets nearly as big a laugh as Lautner’s pouty sneer, “You can spout that crap to your bloodsucker but you can’t fool me!” If the film hadn’t taken itself so seriously, it might’ve been a campy delight. As it stands, the only people onscreen who appear to be having any fun are Oscar nominee Anna Kendrick (as a sardonic wedding guest) and Michael Sheen (whose foreboding cameo is saved for the end credits).

After Edward and Bella’s relationship is finally consummated, the film lurches in an especially repellant direction. Carrying a demon child that is literally destroying her from the inside, Bella is forced to deliver the baby in a gruesome sequence that may do for pregnancy what Psycho did for showers. It reminded me of the sex-ed movie my mom watched in high school that solely consisted of a woman’s agonized face screaming while giving birth. The most traumatizing images in Breaking Dawn are the extreme close-ups of Bella’s horrifically gaunt face as her life slowly drains away. Prior to the birth, there are a few half-hearted stabs at an abortion debate, which would’ve had twisted potential since the unborn baby isn’t exactly alive. In this case, death begins at conception.

But why bother asking weighty questions in the midst of such juvenile drivel? It’s flat-out weird to hear so many peppy pop tunes pasted onto this solemn dirge. Imagine Rosemary’s Baby as scored by Taylor Swift and you’ll have an accurate approximation of this film’s queasily upbeat soundtrack. There are also several sequences of poorly animated wolves dubbed by snarling humans including Lautner, who may indeed have a future headlining vehicles such as Homeward Bound III: The Search for More Abs.

If any single line truly encapsulates this series, it is Bella’s opening monologue (in Part 1), where she mentions the necessity of learning to put away childish things. Everyone needs an immature guilty pleasure once in a while, but I suspect that the vast majority of young Twihards will look back on these films in their adult age with a mixture of bemusement, nostalgia and nagging embarrassment.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 opened Nov. 18 at the AMC Showplace Village Crossing 18, Regal Gardens 1-6 and Regal Gardens 7-13 in Skokie. It crushed its competition on opening day, earning $72 million according to Box Office Mojo. It is rated PG-13.

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