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Community Corner

Funeral Expert Breaks Taboo on Grave Matter

Faith Avner talks about death and the importance of planning for the inevitable at Skokie forum.

In December 2001, Glenview resident Faith Avner was looking for a job. She wound up with a career planning funerals.

Avner had known David Jacobson, the founder of Chicago Jewish Funerals, for several years, having worked with him on committees at B’Nai Jehoshua Beth Elohim in Deerfield. Avner, who has a master's in business administration from Roosevelt University, asked Jacobson if she could manage his office. He made her director of advanced planning, a position she continues to hold today.

“In his head, he knew that I was the right person for this position,” Avner said. “He had decided I was going to be doing this from day one.”

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Avner discussed the importance of planning for and talking about death Sunday at Skokie’s during a speech titled “All About Life in the World of Funerals.”

“People say to me, ‘How can you work in this industry?’ ” she said. “I say, ‘It’s so life affirming.’”

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Before it became her job, Avner said her family never wanted to talk about death. When her father unexpectedly slipped into a coma, she asked her mother if they should start planning his funeral.

“She said, ‘You can’t call the funeral director. You’ll put him in the grave,’ ” Avner recalled of the conversation about her dad. “Myth buster No. 1: Talking to funeral directors does not cause death.”

After her father’s death, she decided to ask her mother what she wanted at her funeral and was surprised by the answers. While Avner is Jewish, her mother had joined the Ethical Humanist Society and wanted the organization to facilitate her service.

When her mother died in 2004, Avner noted she was relieved to know that her mother’s wishes were fulfilled. “It was my mom’s funeral, not mine and it was what she wanted,” she said.

Planning for that inevitable time has become increasingly common as people want to customize their funeral and burial, according to Avner. Some people want green funerals, with caskets that will biodegrade with time. Others want their services to be more lighthearted affairs, incorporating personal touches such as music, stories, motorcycle hearses, caskets themed to reflect their favorite hobbies. They may also ask to be buried in their pajamas or a Cubs jacket rather than traditional formalwear.

Avner recalled one woman who knew she was dying and had her memorial service while she was still alive.

“She didn’t want to miss her funeral,” Avner said. “We gathered all her friends together and did the memorial we would have done three days later.”

Some people choose to plan early so that their children would not have to worry. Others do it to save money.

“You can plan everything you need to plan except the date and time,” Avner said. “If you don’t die, you get your money back.”

Using a whiteboard, Avner asked the audience to name the things that go into planning a wedding. She wrote down the suggestions that included picking out flower arrangements, getting food for the reception, choosing a venue and placing a notice in the local newspaper.

“Life-cycle events are life-cycle events,” Avner said. “Planning a funeral is like planning a wedding. The difference is with a funeral, you’ve got about two days to plan it and you don’t want to be there.”

The stress of planning a funeral after a death is hard on mourners. Avner was working as a temple administrator at B’Nai Jehoshua Beth Elohim when her father died between the Jewish high holidays of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. She went back to work after a week, but six months later she found herself constantly crying and traced her emotional issues back to bottled up grief.

“You will mourn the death of the people you love,” she said. “You decide how you go through the process. Just don’t deny that you have to.”

Avner also said people should stop considering death a taboo subject.

“Talk about it,” she said. “I talk about death all the time. What I’ve learned in the last 10 years is that talking about death makes it easier.”

Ethical Humanist Society member Tiffany Ziegler said she had a hard time asking Avner to come talk. But in the end, the Skokie resident was happy she did.

“It was even more than what I expected,” Ziegler said. “When I originally contacted her, it took me a long time because I didn’t know how to broach the subject, but that’s exactly what she was addressing.”

Sue Walton of Evanston said she learned a lot from Avner’s presentation, part of the organization's s.

“I thought it was very informative,” Walton said. “It’s a topic you don’t want to talk about.”

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