As Governor Signs Marriage Bill, Gay Niles Educator Is 3 Years Ahead Of Him

As Gov. Pat Quinn signs Illinois' same-sex marriage bill into law Wednesday, Niles educator Tim Grivois-Shah will note the momentousness of the day.

But he’ll spend it as he does other work days, as assistant principal at Nelson Elementary School in Niles. He sees the gay marriage bill as a move toward inclusiveness--which also honors the diversity of Nelson students, who come from dozens of cultures and countries. 

Grivois-Shah and his husband, Ravi Grivois-Shah, didn’t wait for Illinois’ legislature to pass the bill. They got married more than three years ago, and have adopted a daughter, now 22 months.

We sat down with Tim Grivois-Shah to ask what the passage of Illinois’ same-sex marriage bill means to him, and what it’s like to be raising a child with a same-sex partner.

Patch:  What was your reaction when the Illinois House passed the same-sex marriage bill, which meant that it would soon become law in this state? 

Tim Grivois-Shah:  Certainly I was very heartened and excited.

My husband and I married May 30, 2010; that’s the anniversary we are going to celebrate forever.

Patch: Which state did you get married in? 

Grivois-Shah: We got married in Illinois. We use the word marriage because what else would you call two people who commit their lives to each other in a public ceremony.

Patch: Do you think more same-sex couples will get married now?

Grivois-Shah: I think marriage is a very personal decision, and I would liken it to asking a heterosexual couple, ‘do you plan to get married now?’

Simply because marriage equality has passed, it doesn’t follow there’s an expectation. 

But I do know some couples who would like to get their paperwork in order. 

Patch:  Do you think some people in Niles, which is not known for having a visible gay and lesbian community, might be surprised to find out there are same-sex couples here who will marry?

Grivois-Shah: Anywhere there are people, there are gay and lesbian people too. Where we live, we build community.  Even when we built a schoolhouse at Nelson, we built a school where we speak 38 different languages.  We really are a wonderful diverse community.

Patch:  Are there any gay or lesbian couples that have kids in school here at Nelson?

Grivois-Shah: I think many gay and lesbian families are at different points in telling their story, and people arrange their lives in many wonderful ways. Any one of those ways is a welcome way to be here. 

Patch: I hear you are a parent.

Grivois-Shah: My daughter Anjali is 22 months old.  We only have one last name, Grivois-Shah.

Patch:  Oh, so you hyphenated your last names. It sounded like one was French.

Grivois-Shah:  My family was originally from Quebec.

Patch: Do you face any challenges as a gay couple raising a little girl?

Grivois-Shah: I face the same challenges anyone else faces, being a new parent and raising a baby girl, and seeing how she learns and grows every single day.  A lot of the challenges were in explaining how normal we were.  When she came home from the hospital and I was awake at 2 am and 4 am and 6 am, that’s the reality of what it was for us.

We’re loving parents, we’re committed to each other; it’s a wonderful challenge in itself just raising a family.

Patch: Are family and friends supportive? 

Grivois-Shah: We found the community we live in very supportive, our social groups and families more than supportive. Both sets of parents are eager to see more grandchildren coming really soon. 

Certainly there’s a lot to do in terms of creating an inclusive mindset. It’s the same work I do every day in building a safe place for the 603 students here, building a family and being who we are.

Hawaii also passed marriage equality, so that’s 16 states, but that isn’t even half of the U.S. There are so many hearts and minds that yet have an opportunity  to see how wonderful the world can be.

Patch: Are you heartened by the fact that surveys show the young generation has a much greater acceptance of lesbians and gays than previous generations?

Grivois-Shah:  In term of demographics, it is clear issues of equality for gays are going to be non-issues very soon. 

People my age (he’s 32) and younger don’t tend to see equality as a challenge to their worldview. When you have a chance to get to know someone like me and realize we’re not all that interesting or surprising in terms of the challenges and views we have, it is not surprising to me that we’ve seen such a swift movement toward equality in such a short time.

Patch: I know adoption can be complicated, and some people adopt from other countries. 

Grivois-Shah: Our daughter is adopted from the U.S. Yes, adoption is a challenging process. We came to it as the way we were going to build our family. It really is an emotional process. It's very uncertain until final surrenders are signed.  It took us 18 months.

We think of ourselves very much as one of many kinds of perfectly great ways to be a family and for us, adoption was a great choice.

Patch: So you're working, you're married, you're parents. 

Grivois-Shah: What often makes Ravi and I interesting is that we’re a same-gendered couple raising a child in Oak Park. But the experience of raising a family and work is one many people would have. 

My work here at Nelson is to build an inclusive welcoming environment so that all 603 families can learn and grow. I do believe my experiences of being a gay educator and being married to an amazing husband and raising an amazing daughter and a fox terrier named Patches illuminate the importance of fairness and equality and building an inclusive school.

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